Happy Holidays

Just got back last night from driving 500 miles to my parents place for Thanksgiving Dinner. Great time had by all, as usual--got to see my brother and his girlfriend, some friends of the family and such. Only was there for two days, but that's the way it goes.

I don't like the distance, which requires a lot of scheduling difficulties to visit, but the drive itself isn't too bad. The only place traffic is ever bad on the trip is around Atlanta. So the trip isn't too bad--I work my way thru my cd collection, and think up things to be pissed off about. And business ideas and such too. And wrestle with philosophical problems. Good, quality thinking time.

Mom told us to write out Christmas lists like she does every year. Mine are usually pretty short, so I add in unusual things just to flesh it out a bit: A steam powered catapult and a 6 month supply of cats. A flunky, a toady, and a brace of henchmen. and so on. This year I didn't do that--I guess I got sidetracked before I could do it. Or perhaps the small notepad was to blame. Always blame the equipment, never the operator.

So here's my Christmas list:

* .45 ACP ammunition--I prefer 230 grain full metal jacket ball ammo for target shooting--my preferred carry ammo is Hornady Custom 230 grain jacketed hollowpoint +P

* .303 British ammunition--my preferred rifle is the No. 4 Mark I Lee-Enfield. I love bolt-action rifles, and have actually been reprimanded for rapid firing at some ranges--I can fire 10 rounds in about 6 seconds with that baby. Of course, accuracy goes to hell, but most rounds fired in combat are suppressive fire anyway. If I keep his head down, I can take my time to make the next round count.

* Jack Daniels--I talk about drinking, and think about drinking, a hell of a lot more than I actually drink. I still have a decanter half-full of Jack that I've had for a year. But I bought another bottle here in Alabamastan recently, and it was no-shit $32! For those who are unaware, any alcohol purchased outside of Alabamastan and transported into Alabamastan is considered bootleg alcohol, and thus illegal. I always wanted to be a bootlegger! I've been listening to "The Ballad of Thunder Road" and any other song I can find regarding bootlegging. One of my favorite Muppet Show episodes is the one with Peter Sellers--at the end they sing "Cigarettes and Whiskey and Wild, Wild Women." Anyway, my already half-consumed Jack Daniels was bootleg whiskey as soon as I moved it to Alabamastan, as was the Irish Whiskey my youngest cousin bought for me for last Christmas (Well, I expect her Mom or Dad actually bought it, as she's not legal yet), and my collection of red wines is bootleg as well. For that matter, I believe the same law applies to tobacco, so the Prince Albert in a can I brought with me (I'll smoke a pipe about once every 4 months or so) is bootleg as well. Anyway, I'm hoping my relatives will become my accomplices in my bootlegging activities, by purchasing the whiskey for me as a gift. There: I've confessed to bootlegging, conspiracy to bootleg, and misprision of either felony or misdemeanor, depending on how the gov-goons interpret it.

* Bushmills--the aforementioned Irish Whiskey. Basically the best Irish Whiskey there is, followed closely by Jamesons (which is also quite acceptable). I usually don't drink it straight--I use it to make Irish Coffee. Bushmills is the oldest continuously operating legal Irish Whiskey Distillery. I've heard it's possible to get the absolute best bottles only by touring the distillery--so I'm hoping I can get a relative to take a vaction to Ireland some day and bring me back a bottle of their best. Shouldn't be too hard. I can't do it, because I refuse to fly until I'm allowed to carry my life preserver (aka my pistol) and the Irish and Brits aren't civilized about letting free men carry the tools of self-defense.

* the final item on the list, gift certificates to Books-A-Million or Amazon.com or other book suppliers. I have a wish list on Amazon, but it hasn't been thinned out (it runs to pages in double digits). I may have already purchased items on it, or read them in ebook format, or borrowed them from the library or some such. Usually I list a few titles on the list I am particularly interested in, but this year I didn't--I wrote the list in something of a hurry.

So my list is a weird one. You oughtta see the rest of the family's lists. My father's includes "A Shrubbery." I've always suspected him of living a secret life--it turns out he's a Knight of Ni. Not really all that surprising, now that I think about it. I asked if he'd also like us to cut down the tallest tree in the forest with a herring. I think that's for next year's list. My brother's is pretty much the same as it always is--basically "Find me some old moth-eaten army stuff. If it's got bullet holes in it, even better." He also wants some new boxer shorts. The sicko once mentioned he'd like to make himself a pair of burlap underwear. I suspect he's done it--and probably wears it too.

I haven't seen any lists from my sister's family yet--I'll probably have to stop by and ask (they're only about 250 miles away). My neice (Mackenzie--everyone else calls her "Kenzie"--I call her "Mack" and my sister often calls her "Mac-and-cheese.") will be three in March. So I guess I'll have to get her something age-appropriate: whiskey bottles with sippy-cup tops (nipples are for babies), small-caliber pistols (her arms aren't long enough for rifles yet, and bolt-actions require a bit more manual dexterity than the average three-year-old posesses) I'm thinking perhaps a revolver, as automatics may be a bit intricate for a toddler, and some of the small parts may present a choke hazard during field-stripping. I'm not sure if her strength is up to the level of pulling back the slide on an automatic either. Those small hands just don't quite have the leverage.

Unless I get married and have (or adopt or in some other way acquire) children of my own, I reckon I'll have to content myself with corrupting neices and nephews and cousins and such. Better lay in a good supply of whiskey and ammo now--don't want to be caught short when the little tykes are around. Shot glasses are just about right for little hands. Perhaps I ought to start buying some of those little Derringers I'm always seeing at the gun stores. I've always thought them a bit feminine myself, but I guess they're just right for small hands. Not any good for protection unless you're worried about attacks by rodents, small birds, or snakes I reckon. But probably would be good for developing the hand-eye coordination and good shooting habits before growing into larger calibers.

Don't worry--I won't start the little rugrats on explosives until they're 8 or so. you gotta be careful running triplines with tension-release-detonation. It also helps if they've learned some basic electronics and can handle a soldering iron before getting into that stuff. It's not critical, but it helps to know WHY you can improvise the detonation trigger out of a lantern battery, a clothes pin, a plastic spoon, and 10 inches of electrical wire. Knowing how will get you through most of the time, but knowing why can help you figure things out when you need to make substitutions in the recipe. You have to know what the eggs do in a cake before you know if you can substitute something else for them--just as you have to know that the plastic spoon is an insulator (i.e. not an electrical conductor) keeping the two halves of the circuit separated until removed by the pulling of the trip wire, before you can know that any other decent non-conducting material will do--the spoon is just easily acquired (they come in MRE packets) and is a shape that works pretty well for its purpose in the system. Of course, the clothes pin and the spoon are both unnecessary if you have a long enough piece of insulated wire, but I think they are less prone to failures, as the tension of the clothes pin assures a good transfer of current thru the circuit.

I won't teach them to actually MAKE the explosives until they are much older--teenagers are prone to accidentally spilling and breaking things, which is not good when you're trying to manufacture homemade explosives. Composition 4 is much safer for children--it actually requires an electrical charge or high-pressure to explode--and thus can be safely dropped or bumped or whatever. I've actually cooked on C-4--you can light it and cook over the flame, so long as you don't do it in an enclosed space--the fumes are pretty nasty.

Well, have I dropped enough in this post to give the Echelon and Carnivore geeks apoplexy yet? If not, here goes:

Improvised Tactical Nuclear Devices are for advanced students only. I can give a rough-sketch idea of their construction, but I don't have the fissionable material, nor the math skills necessary to design the intricate series of shaped charges necessary to compress the atomic core into a critical mass and thus jump-start the detonation. Trial and error is not a good way to learn this, I think. And these should never be used by children. "No! Bad kid! Don't play with nuclear weapons without adult supervision!"